A Tale of Two Twats

Sometimes I like making myself angry. Not 'smash my bedroom up then beat up a pensioner' angry. More "Oooh, I could crush a grape!" type seething. In the last week I've managed to wind myself up a treat through reading a book and watching a film. The book in question was Littlejohn's Britain by Richard Littlejohn and the film was Hated: GG Allin and the Murder Junkies. Both properly annoyed me but for different reasons.

Now, a blog entry about how much of a twat Richard Littlejohn is hardly rare (probably just slightly less common than an over enthusiastic post about Animal Collective) but I can't help it guys; the man is a colossal fuckwit.

Littlejohn is a columnist for the The Daily Mail and The Sun and as a result, before even reading any of his articles you get an idea as to the type of thing he's going to write. Sadly, he lives up to these predetermined notions. Before picking up his book from my local library, where it was somewhat strangely placed in the 'literature' section, I'd only looked at a few of his columns, one of which was basically (and I'm paraphrasing a great deal here. Makes things quicker) stated that the women killed in Ipswich a few years back deserved to die because they were prostitutes and as a result, no one would miss them. Alarmingly, many of the comments on the Daily Mail website in response to the article backed up his point. Littlejohn's readers are the type of people who describe themselves as 'the silent minority'.

So I borrowed the book knowing I'd hate it, preparing myself for 350 pages of racist, homophobic, sexist twaddle. And that's pretty much what I got. Littlejohn makes efforts to distance himself from the BNP and this is fair enough. However, though he may not align himself directly with the far right, many of the views he puts across in the book sympathise with the facist party. 'Facist' is a word that springs up repeatedly in Littlejohn's Britain, always suffixed with the word 'left'. In his eyes, the loony liberal left' are to blame for all the problems this country faces. The book covers the Blair years and details how/why the UK has, to use the title of one of Littlejohn's novels, gone to hell in a handcart. Too many immigrants, gay and lesbian people have too many rights, THEY'VE BANNED CHRISTMAS, Muslims are taking over. Basically anyone who isn't a white, hetrosexual, working class man is at fault.

Here's some of the highlights from Littlejohn's Britain:

• His utterly baffling use of the phrase 'Rubber Johnny police' in an article about health and safety GONE MAD. He makes no attempt to explain exactly what a rubber johnny police force is, sadly.
• I'm going to quote verbatim here. This is RL's thoughts on travellers and why John Prescott loves them - "Every resident distressed by caravans on the cricked village green; every mum in a baby in a pushchair who treads in a pile of excrement; every housewife who's washing is polluted by the acrid smoke of burning tyres; every home burgled, every lawnmower stolen; every local pub terrorised; all these represent another small victory for Two Jags. Errrr, ok Richard.
• He hates gay people, is oddly obsessed with them and at one point uses the fairly offensive term 'brown hatters' to describe them.
• I did laugh at the bit when he revealed that the literal real life old woman in the shoe was called 'Mary Buttwhistle'
• It's apparently 'nonsense' that speed cameras save lives.

In conclusion: this is a book for the type of racist cunt who can't read without moving their lips.


The other twat of the week is GG Allin. GG was born Jesus Christ Allin and grew up in a hut without water or electricity. Things were never going to end well for him were they? Still, he grew up to be a total fuckup who played really, really, really shit hardcore to crowds of complete idiots. He was famous for performing naked, shitting on stage, wanking on stage, attacking his fans, doing lots of drugs, being RLLY RLLY ROCK N ROLL etc. The film Hated was streamed on the Pitchforkmedia webiste last week and as I've got fuck all to do, I had a watch. It was 90 minutes of complete toss. I learned that GG had the worst fans in history, a drummer who was convicted of flashing a young girls and was essentially, a complete and utter dickhead. The 'highlights' were him assaulting a woman at a 'spoken word' performance and trying to get a stiffy by rubbing his hilariously small cock (literally one inch long) with his own shit. It failed.